Dear freecreditreport.com guy,
I was going to cast you for a small part in this picture I’m working on right now. I also considered forwarding your information to a friend of mine casting other national commercials. However, that’s when I remembered that I find you so horribly fucking annoying. Upon remembering how incredibly annoying you and your commercials are I also remembered a personal commitment I made to myself never to cast you in anything. I cannot stress enough how painfully annoying I find your commercials. When your commercials come on, I have to put my TV on mute. Scratch that. That’s what I used to do. Now, when one of your commercials comes on—because there’s so many different versions of that fucking song—I have to turn off the TV. I keep the TV off for longer than thirty seconds, knowing that your commercials are only thirty seconds, lest I catch even a bit of you singing some shitty song about why I should go and sign up for freecreditreport.com and, probably, get fucked by some assholes’ money-making scheme. One time I yelled at someone on the subway, realizing after that he made me furious just because he looked kind of like you.
Anyway, thanks very much. We’ll call you. Oh. No—I just remembered. I again forgot that I hate you. No, we won’t call you. I’ll never call you. I hate you.
Sincerely,
Ron Plinkman, CSA
